GETTING REAL ABOUT VULNERABILITY

Let's get honest about vulnerability - why it’s scary, why we avoid it, why it’s misunderstood and why it’s one of the most important emotions to master. Why is vulnerability scary to so many people – especially high-achievers and leaders?

Let’s start by clarifying what vulnerability looks and feels like. Vulnerability exposes and shares your truths and can feel like cracking yourself wide open, revealing what’s on your insides - for others to judge, criticize and potentially reject. It demands a willingness to accept emotional risk, but boy, the payoff is pure gold.

From an evolutionary perspective, vulnerability is often what got us killed. Imagine you're an early Sapien, and you’ve been walking for what feels like ages in the Sahara desert in the unrelenting exposure of the sun, and you come across a tree. Holy moly! You walk up to it, touch it and decide to have a sit down in its shadow.

For a moment, you close your eyes and rest. This is the moment. You let your guard down, expose yourself to being vulnerable, and—just like that—a lion has you for lunch. Indeed, being vulnerable costed too much. We formed tribes that shared the workload, security, and social responsibilities to give us much-needed safety and companionship. In groups, we lived longer, so we did everything we could to minimize being ostracised or rejected by the group. In some ways, not much has changed.

Most of us still make life decisions to avoid judgement, ostracism or rejection.

Most of us want a group with whom we belong. Fast forward to the present.

Today, we fear vulnerability for similar reasons.

• We long to be accepted and belong to a peer group and will compromise to ‘fit in.’

• We seek stability and predictability and avoid conflict, for the most part.

• We need love and attention and will avoid putting ourselves in positions that limit that.

There’s solid evidence to support vulnerability avoidance, but here’s the thing: vulnerability is the gatekeeper to connection; it's the thing that brings others in. I remember the first time I was brave enough to be vulnerable intentionally. I was in my early teens and had to do something silly in front of a group of peers. To my surprise, I didn’t die. The opposite happened. I attracted some incredible people into my circle that I wouldn’t have had I not been vulnerable. Since then, I’ve been working hard to release shame and learn to love myself enough to be vulnerable. And holy moly, have I ever attracted some incredible people? Hello… you’re reading this!

So, what’s the payoff to being vulnerable?

*DRUM ROLL*

• Self-acceptance – the more you accept yourself, the more you release shame, guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

• Inner-Strength – you depend less on others for validation and acceptance.

• Stronger Relationships – you become relatable and approachable.

• LOVE – the more you love yourself, the more you can love and empower others to do the same.

Practicing vulnerability allows you to accept and embrace all the parts of yourself and makes you feel more confident and authentic (pure magic). And here’s a bonus reason for mastering vulnerability: it allows you to lead others because they relate, trust and connect deeply with you.

Here’s the best bit: mastering vulnerability is 100% in your control. It requires you to:

Get curious about yourself, be mindful.

Ask yourself and observe why you think and feel the way you do, especially with others or when you feel stressed.

Other people and stressful situations are like mirrors - a great way to recognize what's going on in your head, heart, and body. The more you understand yourself, the more others will too.

Stay connected and share your truths.

This applies especially when your instincts are to retreat. Retreating should be a red flag.

Be courageous, reach out to someone you trust, and share what you’re experiencing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re never alone.

Manage healthy boundaries.

Since vulnerability is inherently risky, set and manage boundaries about what you share and with whom. Healthy boundaries will provide the much-needed stability and assurance needed to master vulnerability.

There you have it - the why it’s scary, why we avoid it, why it’s misunderstood and why it’s one of the most important emotions to master.

What do you think? Are you ready to explore vulnerability?

If it’s a yes, let’s talk. It happens to be my specialty.